Focused

on Friday, September 17, 2010
Okay, so maybe not focused in the same way....

But I am focused.  On getting better, on beating this depression again, on getting my life back on track.  The first steps are done.  Emily is weaned (sniff, sniff) and I'm on my meds again.  It was a rocky first couple of weeks getting back on the meds.  Dizziness, anyone?  But now that I've been taking them for a few weeks that's abated and I can focus on getting life going. 

Right now I'm at the point of, "so what if my house is a mess?  So what if I'm not a super mom?"  Did you know that the sun is shining and it's a beautiful, cool, fall day?  Okay, so the messy house is bothering me a bit, but that will resolve itself over the weekend.  I'm having more fun with conversations and finding joy in them.  It's always a good time when a conversation about a flier a county commissioner candidate gives you goes something like this:
Matt: Hey, where did this Steve Storck thing come from?
Me: Steve Storck.
Matt: I know that, but where did it come from?
Me: No, seriously, Steve Storck came by and dropped it off.
Matt: Oh!  What'd that know you then?

Sometimes you may just need to know Matt and me to know how funny that would come off. 
I've also focused on other small things, like watching the neighbor's cat stalking a slimy, yucky salamander.  Orange tabby tail straight in the air, and Schwan pounces, only to run away very soon after licking like crazy.  Silly kitty!

One of the bigger things I've focused on is eating better and losing the baby fat.  I've lost the weight (actually, more than the weight), just not the shape.  I know round is a shape, but I miss seeing my hips when I lie down.  I'm not looking for my high school body or anything like that, but just something a little more toned. 

I got over the high school body thing this summer.  We were at Matt's folks' place and went swimming in the pit.  It was an incredibly hot day and a swim felt so good.  Soon the intimacy was jarred by a bunch of high school kids running down to the water.  All the girls were in little bikinis with their perfect, youthful bodies.  And I felt old, used up, and soft.  I left soon after with the excuse that Emily wasn't handling the heat well.  As I showered soon after going back up to the house, I had a quick cry, and then I pulled myself back up.  Their bodies hadn't done what mine had.  My body grew two babies and brought them into the world.  My body nursed and nurtured those babies.  My body chased after one of those babies so far, and will chase after the next one all too soon.  So yeah, I may be soft around the edges, but damn it! My body is beautiful because it has done beautiful things!  That and in ten years, those with the little bikinis may be feeling the same thing. 

That personal pep talk has gone a long way toward bolstering my self image.  Are there days I'd like to change things about me?  Yes, most every day.  Then I remember the talk I gave myself, and say, "I'm beautiful to those who matter, everyone else can go..."

So now that I've had my rant on something completely not on the topic, go focus on something worthy today.  Don't worry about your own looks, don't worry about the little stuff, but celebrate the good.