Just a Day

We've been having interesting times around here lately.  Not that anything huge has happened, but just that everything seems huge as it approaches.  I've been having a tough time of just going about daily business lately.  That really makes me scared.  I know I probably should go on the pills again, but I'm trying to fight my way through instead.  I have to force myself to leave the house and be among people again.  That's never good.  That was one of the main signs of depression for me earlier on.  And now that Vacation Bible School is going on, I have no choice but to leave my little "queendom" and go.  Unfortunately, Xanax and nursing don't go together very well, or else I'd have something to take the edge off the anxiety.  Instead, I have to curb the nausea, force myself to eat something, and just make myself go and do what I need to do.  And this is to go out among friends at the church. I do have the office to retreat to there, so I can hide a little bit.  Not that hiding helps anything, but I do get a little refuge to pull myself together. There is one night this week that I'm not going in, and the neighbor will pick up Kirstin and bring her there for me. I plan on doing some mental health exercises whilst she's gone and Matt has Emily.  Hopefully I can get myself back together for a while.

It's something else entirely when I have to face being among strangers.  Heck, just going to the grocery store is becoming a huge mental chore.  I have to cheer myself on just to get through it.  Then I wonder why I'm getting knots in my back again.  Ugh.  But I look at the girls' smiles and I know I have to just keep going.  I can't seclude myself.  I WON'T be one of those people.  But yeah, I may wind up on the pills again.  But first, I have to wean Emily, and I'm just not willing to do that quite yet.  In the meantime, I'm rereading a book, "Get it Done When You're Depressed" by Julie A Fast and John D. Preston and trying to do what it says.  I have to, so I can be a better mom to my girls.  I'm the female role model around here, and I sure don't want Matt teaching them some of the things about being a girl.  That's just a scary thought in general.  I wonder how he would react to Kirstin asking about bras like she did the other day...

But on a positive note, I've been a breast milk queen.  I pump once a day and freeze it special bags.  I have almost 4 gallons frozen now.  I just took a tally the other day.  I was amazed.  I've been pumping once a day from the very beginning.  I wasn't going to start pumping till Emily was about a month old, but then she wound up in the NICU.  This is one of those positive things to come from that.  That and the fact that we had to apply for Medical Assistance to cover part of the bill (insurance has since covered it) and that put us on WIC again.  Free food is always good.  And now we get fresh fruits and veggies, brown rice, bread or tortillas and the like too.  We never got that kind of stuff when I was on it with Kirstin.  It's a wonderful program and I recommend it to anyone who may be able to be on it. 

Another positive thing that's been happening is getting a schedule going for the girls again.  It took a while, but now we've got a routine down, and it's absolutely wonderful.  The money I spent on that blanket for Emily was very well spent.  She has yet to break out of it, even when she travels the crib during the night.  She sleeps later in the morning, so that means I can sleep too.  So now she eats at 7:00 a.m., 11:00 a.m., 1:00 p.m., 5:00 p.m., 7:00 p.m., and 9:00 p.m.  She sleeps in the morning from about 9:00 a.m. to 11:00 a.m. and then sleeps again from about 1:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m., and then goes to bed at 9:00 p.m.  Very rarely does she vary from this when we're home.  So that helps me plan for more activities with Kirstin.  I can sit down with her and just read a book again, and be able to cuddle her more as I do it.  And I know all this will get easier as time goes on.  Kirstin is learning to read a little bit now too, so we have fun picking out words that she knows in her books. 

So there is a lot going on right now, but none of it big.  I just have to remember that.

Survival of the fittest?

Survival of the fittest or just plain stupidity?  I'm opting for the latter.  In the past week I've come across two "news" stories of people being stupid when it comes to wild animals.  The first one is this:

Baby skunk with rabies

Okay, so some people think skunks are cute, and they wanted to help out.  I get that.  But, this is not a tame animal! Skunks are known carriers of rabies!  At what point in time does someone NOT think, "Oh, maybe I should just leave it alone and let animal control take over?"  Seriously.  Now because of those actions, many people have to go through what I've heard is a very painful process of injections so they don't have to suffer the effects of rabies. 
Honestly.  No one even thought of a quarantine period for said skunk?  Nope, let's just invite all our friends and family to come meet the animal. Isn't it a cute little thing?  Look at it, stomping toward us.  Oh, hey, it's sick.  Maybe we should go to the vet.  What? Rabies?   Hope it's a fun reunion at the doc's office while you're getting the injections.

The second story is this one (video):

Bison Attack

What were these people thinking?  "Oh, they're like cows grazing in a field- how pastoral!"  Umm, no.  First of all, cows can be dangerous too.  You have a large creature get in a mood to run you down, and see how you do.  Yeah. Not fun.  Been there, done that.  I watched Matt get run over by a calf (and worried about our chances of having children afterward, but luckily the calf stepped on his thigh instead). There's a reason farm stores sell cattle prods. It's not a fun thing. Yeah, for the most part cows just go on chewing their cud when you're in the pasture, because they have been tamed. But there are times...

However, bison are wild.  If you piss one off your chances of getting away are slim.   Why were these people out of their vehicle?  They would have had a better chance to get away then.  Just roll down the window and take the footage.  The zoom function on cameras work wonders when you want a closer shot.  I just plainly don't understand.

Then I think about it more.  Are we as a nation so insulated from the "wild" that when we see it we have no idea what's safe?  I realize I'm lucky, as are my kids.  We live in the country.  We have access to animals.  We have a wildlife area right across the road.  We get any number of birds, mammals, etc. coming through our yard.  And as a child, I was taught to respect nature.  I was taught what God gave the animals for their protection and to respect it.  I was taught to be wise and weary.  Because of that, I will never be the one running for my life from a bison, or the one to take a skunk into my home. 

My girls too, are going to learn the same.  For us, it's part of being a parent.  But then there are the kids-and adults- who never see anything other than the occasional robin in their yards.  I believe that's sad.  And it's these people who will believe taking a wild animal into their homes is fine.  It's these people who won't use common sense. 

Now, I'm not too pleased by my tame animals right now either.  Our cats were out of food.  Therefore they tried to eat the plants.  The result is less than pleasing, and takes some carpet cleaner to fix.  Ugh.  So, I'm going to sit back, relax (now that I cleaned up the cat puke), watch the animals come in from across the road, and tell Kirstin and Emily all about them. 

Why? Why? Why?

"Tell me why the stars do shine

Tell me why the ivy twines

Tell me why the sky is blue

And I'll tell you just why I love you."

"Why?" has become the word used most often by Kirstin as of late.  And to tell the truth; she's driving me insane. "Why do we have hands and arms?"

"Why do we have stairs?"

"Why do we need electricity?"

"Why?"  

"Why?"

"Why?"

It's enough to drive anyone crazy!  And the general answers aren't enough for her either.  

"Why do we have hands and arms?"

"Because God made us that way honey."
"But WHY?"

"Because that's what he wanted to do."

"WHY?" This said with a little more insistence. She gets a look from me as I'm trying to finish changing a diaper, get supper started, or just take a breather.

"Go ask your father."

Yes, sometimes I pass it off onto other people.  Sometimes she's just too smart for some of the answers I give.  

"Why do we have stairs?"
"How else would we get upstairs?"

A roll of the eyes, a hand on the hip as she sticks it out and a very sarcastic response: "Well, there ARE elevators, you know."  

Silly me, I didn't think of that. Other times I just give her something to really think about when she asks "why" too many times. 

"Why do we need electricity?" asked as we were in the car on the way to Alexandria.  We passed some wind turbines. She knows that they give us electricity and that electricity runs pretty much everything in our house.  This is a question I've answered many times before.  Hence my long winded reply.

"Well, Kirstin, it's called the progress of man.  Man is always looking for new and/or safer ways of doing work.  Before man harnessed electricity and made it do the work for us, everything was much more difficult and took much more time for us to accomplish our tasks.  Electricity helps with many of the tasks we do in our daily lives."

"Oh."

Meanwhile, Matt is driving and snickering at my response.  I gave him a look, and asked the reason for his laughter.  His response: "You just answered in a way that I would have answered."

See, the difference is that he isn't home with her 24/7 and I am.  I take the brunt of the questions.  After a while I have to insert a snarky long winded reply just so I don't have to constantly hear Kirstin's voice during the day.  

There are times when I think I just can't take all the questions anymore.  Every time I even take two second to run to the bathroom, I get asked, "Why do you have to go to the bathroom, mom?" And to think I have another child that will go through all this in a few years.  Yikes!  I guess I can just take it day to day and try not to get too frustrated at having my every move analyzed by a three year old asking "Why?" 

And tomorrow I'm sure I will have to answer many new questions beginning with "why." 

Domesiticity gone masochistic

Today I did what Matt calls "going all domestic and stuff".  Essentially that means I either A) got out the sewing machine to do more than just general repair; B) tried an entirely new recipe just to see what would happen; C) baked a bunch of stuff; or D) cleaned the house from top to bottom, including reorganizing everything. 

Today's domesticity revolved around the sewing machine.  I wanted to make Emily a new swaddling blanket of a type she wouldn't kick off in the middle of the night.  I made the pattern on Wednesday, and bought the fabric yesterday.  Today I sat down and made the blanket.  It turned out pretty well for a random attempt at making something of which I've only seen pictures.  I made the pattern myself, and had it all in my mind as to how I wanted it to turn out.  And for once, it really did turn out the way I had envisioned. 

Basically, the blanket has two arms to it-- one short and one long. 
The baby is laid down in the middle section, and the short arm wraps around first to tuck him/her in. 

Then the long arm wraps around from the other side and goes completely around the baby. 

I've seen this type of blanket elsewhere selling for more money than I was willing to spend.  A lot of blankets like this also have a little "footie sac" in them to put the baby's feet and legs into.  I didn't make one for Emily's blanket, however, because I just plainly couldn't wrap my head around how to do that and still have it be a reversible blanket.  Of course, now I have an idea as to how that could work, but I'm still not sure of the practicality of it. 

So, after pinning the pattern on, I saw I would have plenty of fabric left over.  I decided to make a smaller version of the blanket for Kirstin to use with her baby doll.  No problem, I just did the math to get the ratios correct after taking a few measurements of her doll.  Her blanket turned out better than Emily's because now I was really getting into the sewing stuff.  I still had little bits of fabric left over.  I just couldn't let those go to waste, either in the garbage, or sitting in the attic waiting for future use.  I eyed up Kirstin's doll.  Hmm...I can make pajamas for this doll.  It shouldn't be very hard, especially as it doesn't move when I'm trying to get any measurements.

Boy, was I in for a surprise!  There is a fine line when something a person generally enjoys doing turns into a form of masochism. Masochism isn't quite the right word, as that connotes a level of enjoyment through the pain that just wasn't there at the end.  Whatever the correct word, I crossed that line tonight.

I was just going to do an easy shirt and pants for Kirstin's baby doll. I carefully measured everything I needed to measure on the doll.  I made the patterns, and cut them out.  I found portions of fabric onto which they fit, and cut the fabric.  I decided to do the shirt first.  I had just spent more than half an hour at calculations and drawing very carefully with the ruler to make sure this pattern would work.  Then I looked at the sleeves.  There was no way the doll's arms would fit through something that small!  Ugh. 

Well, that's okay.  I can just do up another pattern and make the sleeves bigger.   So, that's what I did, using the same careful measurements from before.  I also checked to make sure the head would fit through the hole just to be certain.  Everything was fine.  I was excited, because I could just imagine how excited Kirstin would be to get these doll clothes!  I pinned and hemmed and did the seams in this oh so simple shirt.  Then I held it up to the doll.  Wait a second!  What happened?  All my meticulous measurements!  All my math to make sure I had everything right for the seam allowances!  And I made something that MIGHT fit a Barbie doll. That doesn't include the time spent in fixing the bobbin, which decided to do a dance and get all tangled up, the countless times I had to thread the needle on the machine, --squinting and moving around to get it in just the right light--and the time spent cutting off all the end threads so the shirt didn't look like it sprouted hair.

After all that, and the shirt was certainly too small for her baby doll.  Now dejected, I just stopped working on it.  I didn't even attempt the pants.  I was done out by doll clothes today.