First Interview

I did my first interview today.  It went really well.  I only asked two questions and then sat back and listened.  It was wonderful.  The person I interviewed, Jennifer Rothchild (Associate Professor of Sociology, gender, women’s studies, and sexuality), was accepted for an advanced study fellowship through the University of Minnesota Twin Cities.  

Through this interview I learned something: Even the “elite” researchers, PhD holding folk, have troubles writing.  Her study fellowship will allow her to write with a group of people around her, instead of being completely cut off from others.  It will give her the boost she needs to get the work done.  She still does the work, but instead of “writing in a lonely cubicle in a library” she will be able to confer with colleagues across disciplines and get more feedback that way.  I think it’s a wonderful idea.  As she said, “Writing is lonely work.  You become can become cut off from so many people when you write.” 

I came away from this interview feeling pretty good about myself, and my new course in life.  I think I chose well.  As long as I don’t allow myself to be cut off while I do my work, I’m going to have fun doing this work.  I don’t think I have much to worry about with that, as the very nature of writing articles means I have to put myself out there and find people and talk with them.  If it all goes as well as today’s interview, I think I may have found a new hobby.  It’s wonderful!

In other news, my depression has eased up greatly since quitting the secretarial position at the church.  I feel more at ease in general and haven’t had nearly as many episodes in which I feel completely overwhelmed.  I never realized just how much that job was pulling me down and holding me back.  And it’s good to know it and to feel so much better.  And to actually have emotions other than annoyance, frustration, and anxiety.  I’m laughing so much more now, smiling so much more, and singing so much more.  I’m finally happy again!  Yay!

A Theatre Week

It has been a week of theatre in this area!

There are three shows going on this weekend.  The University is presenting their musical, “Anything Goes,” the Prairie Wind Players based in Barrett have “Christmas Belles” and the high school is showing “Anyone Can Whistle.”

On Wednesday we went to the opening night of “Anything Goes.”  It’s a fun musical that was first performed on Broadway in 1937.  There’s high society, low society, mobsters, and show girls, all aboard a ship heading for England.  Watching the cast sing, dance, and act (all at the very same time!) was inspiring.  

As it was the first night, there were still kinks to work out.  The pit orchestra was a little too loud, and some of the headset mics needed balancing.  There were a few times the actors had to stretch for their notes.  But the choreography!  I know that not everyone would have known how to tap dance going into the production.  Everyone had tap shoes on at some point or another.  They all did a wonderful job!

Last night we headed up to Barrett for “Christmas Belles” which is the second of a four part (so far) play series.  The series began with “Dearly Beloved” which Matt acted in last spring with the Morris group.  I laughed most of the way through “Christmas Belles.”  Anything and everything that could go wrong with putting on a church Christmas pageant did, including the Great Pancake Massacre and a drunken socialite trying to read the Christmas story from the Bible.  Elvis stopped by for a visit, too, as the “Ghost of Christmas future to come!”  

Mix this with a very pregnant forty year old (TWINS!) and her husband who, to provide more money for the family took on a seasonal job as Santa and a convict, there was always something going on.  Santa gets a kidney stone, so he was wailing and complaining most of the show.  

I loved the show!  It helps that I knew a lot of the people in it, and the basic premise.  Many of the actors and actresses from “Dearly Beloved” reprised their roles in this show, and a few new ones were added in.  It was wonderful to talk with everyone after the show.  

I even had a chance to talk to my old English Teaching Methods teacher.  She’s now retired and I haven’t had a chance to be in touch with her for a long time.  We had to go to the green room to find her, but find her we did.

“Sandy! Your adoring fans come to you!”

Her face lit up and a big hug came my way.  It was good.  She invited us to go to the bar with her and some friends, but unfortunately we had to get home as it was really pretty late.  The baby sitter had school today, you know.  And Sandy’s reaction, “Oh, how cute!”  Yeah, Sandy, thanks.  I still have a smile on my face remembering all of it.  

And as always, watching performances gives me a longing to be there too.  I want to get back on stage sometime.  I just have to wait for a while till my girls are older.  My time will come soon enough. 

Unfortunately, we won’t get a chance to see the high school play.  We’re heading out for the weekend for a baby shower and an early Thanksgiving.  I would love to go though, if  I could!

Mischief Maker

Why is it that when kids are asleep, they look all sweet and innocent?  And then they wake up and prove otherwise?

We’ve been fighting with Emily to keep diapers on.  She figured out how to take them off and now it’s a fun thing to do every day, multiple times, not to mention peeing on the floor every now and then.  Of course I made the mistake of leaving her unsupervised while I figured out how to hook up the new to us phones.  I grabbed the one to go in the living room and made my way over there. 

I didn’t pay much attention as Emily tried helping out.  I was more concerned with keeping cords away from her and making sure she didn't run off with the old phone.  It wasn’t until I got the phone plugged in properly that I finally turned and looked at Emily.  

Her jammies were unzipped and no diaper to be found!  So I begin searching for the missing diaper.  I looked all over the living room, picking up toys and blankets as I went.  Couldn’t find it.  I looked in the “Little People Empire” corner behind the rocking chair.  Not there.  I looked on the stairs where the girls throw their dirty clothes, and still nothing.  I looked in the kitchen, thinking she threw it over that gate, and still no luck.  I looked under the movie cabinet, table, and china cabinet.  STILL couldn’t find the elusive diaper. 

I finally ran my hands over Emily’s legs to see if it got caught in her clothes.

Huh. Extra padding around the one leg…

EUREKA!

It is found!  

She only undid one side of it and in the normal movement of toddlerhood, it slipped down around one leg, hidden from sight by her jammies. 

Whew, able to save the day this time.  New diaper goes on, clothes for the day go on, and now we’re back to playing and getting through the rest of the day.  Which now sounds like more mischief on her part.  “Uh oh” is not good to hear from a toddler.

Why write?

So, in the wake of pretty well freaking out over quitting the one job, I finally get news about a different job.  Basically I'm doing an interview by email.  Then they'll send me stuff to write.  But the questions are some that I really have to think about:

Tell about your interests when it comes to writing.
What do you see as your strong skills in writing?
What do you enjoy most about writing?

I've never really thought about my writing in that form.  Now I am and I'm coming up with nothing.  Could it be writer's block already?

Personal Apocalypse

And today is the beginning of the end. 

 

Sounds rather apocalyptic, but in all reality it’s not.  It’s the beginning of the end of my tenure as church secretary.  Tonight is a Church Council meeting, and I have my letter ready to be submitted to the trustees.  Two weeks from today I’ll be done with that position.  

I know it’s a good move, and one that’s needed to be done for a long time now.  Yet it still hurts.  I loved doing the actual work and took pride in making the bulletins and newsletter look good.  However, circumstances beyond my control have made the job rather unbearable for me.  

Not working there means I will only HAVE to be in town about once a week.  The rest I’m at home, taking care of my girls and keeping house.  That won’t be too horrible, either.  I don’t like going into town to work right now, anyway.  I have to pop a Xanax for the anxiety and then still need my mental cheerleader telling me I can do the job and not freak out while I’m at the church.  Then, when I’m done for the week, I have no motivation to go back for Sunday services.  It’s rather pathetic, I know, but that’s where it’s at.  This last week was even worse than usual, because I felt that I would be forced into conversations with Pastor that I don’t want to have quite yet.  His emails to me hinted to something to that effect, anyway.  So, in order to handle being there and working, I asked Matt to meet me there after he got off work on Friday and just be there to deflect anything that may come up.  And Matt, being the saint he is, agreed to it.  This after a hellish couple of days when a server move didn’t go well and computing services had to go into disaster recovery mode.  He still made time to help me get my stuff done.  

He even helped me compose my letter of resignation.  I’m grateful that he didn’t take my first draft seriously.  I just wrote it to get out my feelings and used some very strong words.  He did laugh at some of what I said, in an almost incredulous way.  I needed that.  Therapy, and all.  My real letter is very short, to the point, and doesn’t give much in details.  

So, now, today, before I go and pick up Kirstin from preschool, I will deliver the letter to the council secretary to be brought to the trustees.  I don’t trust others well enough to deliver it to the church and have it get to the trustees, the way it’s supposed to.    The secretary is a good friend, and knows what’s going on. 

I fear what will come from this, to some extent.  I don’t know what kind of repercussions this may have.  I know I will have to have a conversation with Pastor, but I really don’t want to until I’m out of the situation for a while and have time to reflect back on it.  I will talk with the trustees, as they are officially my bosses, and the elders, for any spiritual matters.  That’s fine, and they’re all people I like and trust.  I just cannot speak with Pastor quite yet.  Hopefully after I have a bit of a “cooling down” period as it were I’ll have enough strength for that.

When this is all over, I’ll finally let myself have a good cry and be washed of it that way.  Until then, I just leak tears every now and then and move on to the next thing that needs doing.  Just sorta in survival mode.  The next couple of weeks will be rough on the anxiety levels.  Thank goodness for good people and lots of stuff to keep me busy.  I shut down over the weekend, and then realized I can’t do that again because it doesn’t do anything but make me feel worse.  When stuff doesn’t get done around the house I start getting overwhelmed and that doesn’t bode well.  Now I just channel the energy into those chores.  If I keep this up my house will be sparkling and all my little crafty projects will be done!  I guess there’s a silver lining.

And maybe this is a personal apocalypse.  I just needed to figure it out and get through it.  Now I can have positive changes in my life and go on and get better again. 

Explaining Exorcism

Why don't I actually monitor my mouth when Kirstin is around?

Again I had to explain a word to her that gave me difficulty.

I was getting the dishes ready to go, and commented to Matt that our sink might need an exorcism.  It was just yucky dirty.  It happens.  And Kirstin overheard it.  Then came the following conversation:

Kirstin: The sink needs an exorcism?
Me: Yes.  It's really icky.
Kirstin: Oh, okay.
Me: walking out of the kitchen so Kirstin won't see me laughing.  Innocently using the word exorcism was hilarious to me, at that point. I come back in.
Kirstin: So, an exorcism is when the sink needs help and you fill it with water?
Me: Umm...No, it's not that.  Uh...(good for her on trying to figure it out according to what was going on!)
Kirstin:  It's not?  Then what is an exorcism?
Me: Well...Umm...Hmm..  (trying to find a way to explain this. Crap, why did I use that word?) 
An exorcism is when something is really dirty and has to be cleaned up really well. 
Kirstin: Oh, so the sink was really dirty then?
Me: Yes. It was.
Kirstin: Oh, it's good you gave it an exorcism then. 

And I got my way out of that without explaining demon possession, religious things, or any of that.  I explained to her what an exorcism is in the context in which it was used.  WHEW!

Scary New Stuff

I have an odd thing to be writing about, especially in this forum.

I’m nervous about people seeing my writing.

In order to make a little more money on my own terms, and not HAVE to sub (I still will, just less), Matt suggested I take on a freelance writing job with the University.   I’m excited about the prospect, and I emailed the head of University Relations about it.  I received an enthusiastic answer, and now I’m required to send three writing samples and my resume.  

My resume gives me no problems.  I just have to update it and send it.  The writing samples are something else entirely.  The problem is I have very few samples of my writing out there.  I have blog posts, of which I will use one.  I also have newsletter articles from the church.  And some fiction. 

Oddly enough, my fiction is what makes me nervous.  I’m not ready for people to see it.  It’s still very raw.  It’s too personal.  And yet a blog post isn’t.  So, instead of the fiction, I’m going to send in a sample of my writing for my teaching licensure.   I have to clean it up a bit, but it’s workable.  I hope these samples will be okay.

I’m also finding that sharing my writing is very scary.  I mean, it’s one thing for members of the church to read an article I wrote.  That’s the intended audience.  It’s another thing for it to be read by someone who is critiquing it for style, content, etc.  Will I measure up as a writer?

So many doubts with this new venture.  But I’m going through with it because I need the change.  Change is always a bit uncomfortable.  Besides, how cool will it be to say to someone who asks, “Oh, I’m a freelance writer.”  

That is just too fun for me to not take the chance and jump in to it. 

Now off to find a good blog post to send!

Baby Steps

Baby steps.  That’s what it takes.

I feel like I’m living the advice from “What About Bob.”

So, I’m trawling the depths again, fishing for whatever it is that will bring me up again. 

 

Yup, crashed.  Again.

I was sliding down slowly, with a few holds on a couple trees and roots and the like here and there.  I knew I was sliding, and was working toward at least leveling out.  And I was on a nice plateau for a bit.  I guess I was closer to that edge than I thought, though.  One email and I jumped and plunged downward to an almost non-functional depression.  

That was on Saturday.  And yes, it’s more crud from the Pastor.  

I thank the dear Lord for wonderful neighbors and friends.  I still had the hymn PowerPoint to do and was planning on bringing it with me to church on Sunday.  Well, got the horrid email on Saturday afternoon, and then called the neighbor, crying.  

“Hey, it’s me.  You planning on going to church tomorrow?”

“Yeah, we were planning on it.”

“Could you bring the hymns in for me?  I’m too pissed off to go to church.”

“Yup, no problem, just drop them by.”

And that’s exactly what I did.  It’s pretty good when you have to take a mental break from church.  Well, let me clarify:  It wasn’t church that required the break, it was my Pastor. 

Neighbor answered the door, just asked, “What’s up?”

She didn’t even flinch as I swore and called Pastor some names that I normally wouldn’t even THINK of calling ANYONE.  Then she told me I have to get out of there as soon as possible.  I knew this, of course.  I’ve known this for nine months, but just haven’t been able to figure out how, or how to really truly break myself from that job.  The job itself I love.  It’s fun, it’s just challenging enough to keep me going, and I feel useful doing it.  Working with the Pastor, not so much.  That man has the ability to suck all the fun out of it and make me feel completely belittled and worthless.  And now let me say, “I’M NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE!!!”  That’s his problem, not mine, and I refuse to be defined in that way by anyone, anymore.  (While I’m at it, should I burn a bra?)

So, with that I spent Sunday doing pretty well nothing, crying off and on and just trying to figure out how in the hell to get myself out of the pit I fell in.  Monday was more of the same, though I accomplished a tiny bit: I vacuumed the dining room.  So I knew I wasn’t COMPLETELY worthless.  I could vacuum.  Any conversation I had was at a minimum.  Just didn’t feel like dealing with any people at all.  Couldn’t concentrate on anything.  Had a rough time eating and sleeping.  Yup, this is a depression episode again. 

Shit.

 

Today, I did dishes and got the living room picked up and vacuumed.  Then I went and picked up Kirstin from pre-school.  I was feeling pretty good when I got back.  Not all the way up to where I should be, yet, but working on my way up.  Still didn’t know what I was going to do about the situation at church.  Feeling rather lost about that.  I know I have to get out.  My mental health cannot take any more of these random attacks. 

Then, at supper, Matt and I were talking it over.  What the heck can I do?  I still want to be able to have my evenings and weekends.   And I can’t quit at the church till I have another job.  Matt mentioned getting a license for subbing that will last for five years.  My teaching license is gone, it’s lapsed.  So now, if I can get a sub license, that’s what I’m going to do.  I need to research it, find out what I have to do to get it.  Then the same month that I get into subbing again, the church job is gone.  I have a few ideas as to how to word my resignation letter.  I would love to come back to the position after this Pastor leaves.  Like I said, I enjoy the job, just not working with Pastor.  

And now with some plan in mind, some of the gloom is gone.  There’s light again.  I’m becoming me again.  It’s good.  I can do this.  Baby steps to wellness….Baby steps to a new job…Baby steps to a clearer mind.