I love my children

Today is a day in which I have to remember that I love my children. Everything started out just fine. The girls got up. They had their breakfast. They had their medicine because they have ear infections. I left them alone to play, so I could do my morning reading. That's when everything went wrong.

Emily has a tendency to never keep on her diapers. Usually this is not an issue. However this time it was. Kirstin came running back to tell me Emily had taken off her jammies. This is also a normal thing. I didn't think much of it. I asked her she taken off her diaper too and Kirstin replied, "Yes, and there is poop in it."

Not knowing exactly what to expect, I went into the dining room where Emily was. She had crawled back up into her chair at the table and undid her jammies down to the waist. My lovely child also undid her diaper and was sitting with poop on her hands and smearing it all over her body. I am not a happy mommy at this point.

Needless to say, Emily wound up in the shower. However, while I was giving her a shower, Kirstin decided it was time to get dressed and she could not find any pants. Of course. And in Kirstin's mind this had to be remedied right away. I could not give Emily a shower. She needed pants. So while I have poop on my hands.(I couldn't stop to the wash them, of course), I go upstairs and direct Kirstin to pants. Meanwhile, Emily is still in the tub with the water turned off, and she is now smearing poop in the tub.

After this thing started getting a little better, I was able to clean up Emily properly, and Kirstin was able to get dressed. After little while I will actually be able to laugh about this–hopefully.

In the meantime, my mantra for right now is, "I love my children. I love my children. I love my children."

Raising Readers

I love to read.  I read a wide variety of books, poems, newspapers, etc.  Now, it seems, my daughters are on the way to that love as well:

Kirstin and Emily reading on the couch

 Kirstin is reading words (and a lot of them!) and Emily is learning the process through imitation.  Kirstin likes to read to her younger sister.  And it turns out, according to this article, I'm doing something right with this!
Now to keep going and exercise their love of words: what does the future hold?

Shine

In an effort to somewhat procrastinate my real writing assignment for the time being, I will write another blog post. 

 

I know I shouldn’t put off the article I have to write, but it’s still forming in my head.  I’ll have a rough outline in about an hour, probably, and then I’ll write the thing and hand it over to Matt for editing.  Another issue I’m having is trying to write while both kids are up and mobile.  Emily is in a mischief phase, and Kirstin is just a normal young lady that talks too much.  They take up quite a bit of my time.  This is as it should be, but sometimes I feel like I can’t accomplish anything with those two around.  I love them, and love them dearly, but they can be a handful.

Anyway, now that I’m done with the secretarial position at church, I feel so much better!  I never knew how much that was keeping me down.  As my Minda puts it, “You’ve come out of the shadows and into the light again, babe!”  And yes, that is a good way to explain it. 

And the light keeps getting brighter and brighter.  I’ve done one article for the University, and I’m in the process of working on another one.  And low and behold!  I’ve got more work coming as well.  I just got asked to do some editing for Profile, a magazine the University puts out.  I actually love to edit other people’s work, so I of course took it.  I feel wonderful knowing that I can help out, and that people will actually read what I wrote.  And I must be writing okay, because I get thanks for what I do.  Even that’s a change from the previous work.  Thank you is a wonderful thing! 

 

But, I’m having issues giving up the work at the church.  There is no secretary.  Which is fine, a lot of WELS churches have no secretary.  However, I look at what’s been done to things I instituted and worked on for a very long time…And it bugs me.  The formatting is crap in both the bulletins and on the hymn PowerPoint.  It’s all over the place, and not consistent at all.  I prided myself in keeping things consistent and looking good.  Now it doesn’t.  

There are also the questions I’m getting from congregation members that I’ll have to answer eventually.  The “What’s really going on?” question is asked on all sides it seems.  I’m not ready to say much right now.  I want to find out what Pastor is going to do with us.  The Elders told him to leave our family alone and let us come back in our own time.  Which we have, but I don’t know what that means as of yet.  I don’t know if Pastor is going to feel we need to have a meeting or not.  I hope not, but that’s just running from the problems that are still there.  Nothing was accomplished by not going to church aside from giving us a break to think about what was truly going on. 

But I’m keeping positive! Because the members are asking questions, more of Pastor’s behavior is being brought to light.  I’ve come to the conclusion that he IS the shadow.  And I’m moving away from it.  Not the church itself, but the shadow.  This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine!

First Interview

I did my first interview today.  It went really well.  I only asked two questions and then sat back and listened.  It was wonderful.  The person I interviewed, Jennifer Rothchild (Associate Professor of Sociology, gender, women’s studies, and sexuality), was accepted for an advanced study fellowship through the University of Minnesota Twin Cities.  

Through this interview I learned something: Even the “elite” researchers, PhD holding folk, have troubles writing.  Her study fellowship will allow her to write with a group of people around her, instead of being completely cut off from others.  It will give her the boost she needs to get the work done.  She still does the work, but instead of “writing in a lonely cubicle in a library” she will be able to confer with colleagues across disciplines and get more feedback that way.  I think it’s a wonderful idea.  As she said, “Writing is lonely work.  You become can become cut off from so many people when you write.” 

I came away from this interview feeling pretty good about myself, and my new course in life.  I think I chose well.  As long as I don’t allow myself to be cut off while I do my work, I’m going to have fun doing this work.  I don’t think I have much to worry about with that, as the very nature of writing articles means I have to put myself out there and find people and talk with them.  If it all goes as well as today’s interview, I think I may have found a new hobby.  It’s wonderful!

In other news, my depression has eased up greatly since quitting the secretarial position at the church.  I feel more at ease in general and haven’t had nearly as many episodes in which I feel completely overwhelmed.  I never realized just how much that job was pulling me down and holding me back.  And it’s good to know it and to feel so much better.  And to actually have emotions other than annoyance, frustration, and anxiety.  I’m laughing so much more now, smiling so much more, and singing so much more.  I’m finally happy again!  Yay!

A Theatre Week

It has been a week of theatre in this area!

There are three shows going on this weekend.  The University is presenting their musical, “Anything Goes,” the Prairie Wind Players based in Barrett have “Christmas Belles” and the high school is showing “Anyone Can Whistle.”

On Wednesday we went to the opening night of “Anything Goes.”  It’s a fun musical that was first performed on Broadway in 1937.  There’s high society, low society, mobsters, and show girls, all aboard a ship heading for England.  Watching the cast sing, dance, and act (all at the very same time!) was inspiring.  

As it was the first night, there were still kinks to work out.  The pit orchestra was a little too loud, and some of the headset mics needed balancing.  There were a few times the actors had to stretch for their notes.  But the choreography!  I know that not everyone would have known how to tap dance going into the production.  Everyone had tap shoes on at some point or another.  They all did a wonderful job!

Last night we headed up to Barrett for “Christmas Belles” which is the second of a four part (so far) play series.  The series began with “Dearly Beloved” which Matt acted in last spring with the Morris group.  I laughed most of the way through “Christmas Belles.”  Anything and everything that could go wrong with putting on a church Christmas pageant did, including the Great Pancake Massacre and a drunken socialite trying to read the Christmas story from the Bible.  Elvis stopped by for a visit, too, as the “Ghost of Christmas future to come!”  

Mix this with a very pregnant forty year old (TWINS!) and her husband who, to provide more money for the family took on a seasonal job as Santa and a convict, there was always something going on.  Santa gets a kidney stone, so he was wailing and complaining most of the show.  

I loved the show!  It helps that I knew a lot of the people in it, and the basic premise.  Many of the actors and actresses from “Dearly Beloved” reprised their roles in this show, and a few new ones were added in.  It was wonderful to talk with everyone after the show.  

I even had a chance to talk to my old English Teaching Methods teacher.  She’s now retired and I haven’t had a chance to be in touch with her for a long time.  We had to go to the green room to find her, but find her we did.

“Sandy! Your adoring fans come to you!”

Her face lit up and a big hug came my way.  It was good.  She invited us to go to the bar with her and some friends, but unfortunately we had to get home as it was really pretty late.  The baby sitter had school today, you know.  And Sandy’s reaction, “Oh, how cute!”  Yeah, Sandy, thanks.  I still have a smile on my face remembering all of it.  

And as always, watching performances gives me a longing to be there too.  I want to get back on stage sometime.  I just have to wait for a while till my girls are older.  My time will come soon enough. 

Unfortunately, we won’t get a chance to see the high school play.  We’re heading out for the weekend for a baby shower and an early Thanksgiving.  I would love to go though, if  I could!

Mischief Maker

Why is it that when kids are asleep, they look all sweet and innocent?  And then they wake up and prove otherwise?

We’ve been fighting with Emily to keep diapers on.  She figured out how to take them off and now it’s a fun thing to do every day, multiple times, not to mention peeing on the floor every now and then.  Of course I made the mistake of leaving her unsupervised while I figured out how to hook up the new to us phones.  I grabbed the one to go in the living room and made my way over there. 

I didn’t pay much attention as Emily tried helping out.  I was more concerned with keeping cords away from her and making sure she didn't run off with the old phone.  It wasn’t until I got the phone plugged in properly that I finally turned and looked at Emily.  

Her jammies were unzipped and no diaper to be found!  So I begin searching for the missing diaper.  I looked all over the living room, picking up toys and blankets as I went.  Couldn’t find it.  I looked in the “Little People Empire” corner behind the rocking chair.  Not there.  I looked on the stairs where the girls throw their dirty clothes, and still nothing.  I looked in the kitchen, thinking she threw it over that gate, and still no luck.  I looked under the movie cabinet, table, and china cabinet.  STILL couldn’t find the elusive diaper. 

I finally ran my hands over Emily’s legs to see if it got caught in her clothes.

Huh. Extra padding around the one leg…

EUREKA!

It is found!  

She only undid one side of it and in the normal movement of toddlerhood, it slipped down around one leg, hidden from sight by her jammies. 

Whew, able to save the day this time.  New diaper goes on, clothes for the day go on, and now we’re back to playing and getting through the rest of the day.  Which now sounds like more mischief on her part.  “Uh oh” is not good to hear from a toddler.

Why write?

So, in the wake of pretty well freaking out over quitting the one job, I finally get news about a different job.  Basically I'm doing an interview by email.  Then they'll send me stuff to write.  But the questions are some that I really have to think about:

Tell about your interests when it comes to writing.
What do you see as your strong skills in writing?
What do you enjoy most about writing?

I've never really thought about my writing in that form.  Now I am and I'm coming up with nothing.  Could it be writer's block already?

Personal Apocalypse

And today is the beginning of the end. 

 

Sounds rather apocalyptic, but in all reality it’s not.  It’s the beginning of the end of my tenure as church secretary.  Tonight is a Church Council meeting, and I have my letter ready to be submitted to the trustees.  Two weeks from today I’ll be done with that position.  

I know it’s a good move, and one that’s needed to be done for a long time now.  Yet it still hurts.  I loved doing the actual work and took pride in making the bulletins and newsletter look good.  However, circumstances beyond my control have made the job rather unbearable for me.  

Not working there means I will only HAVE to be in town about once a week.  The rest I’m at home, taking care of my girls and keeping house.  That won’t be too horrible, either.  I don’t like going into town to work right now, anyway.  I have to pop a Xanax for the anxiety and then still need my mental cheerleader telling me I can do the job and not freak out while I’m at the church.  Then, when I’m done for the week, I have no motivation to go back for Sunday services.  It’s rather pathetic, I know, but that’s where it’s at.  This last week was even worse than usual, because I felt that I would be forced into conversations with Pastor that I don’t want to have quite yet.  His emails to me hinted to something to that effect, anyway.  So, in order to handle being there and working, I asked Matt to meet me there after he got off work on Friday and just be there to deflect anything that may come up.  And Matt, being the saint he is, agreed to it.  This after a hellish couple of days when a server move didn’t go well and computing services had to go into disaster recovery mode.  He still made time to help me get my stuff done.  

He even helped me compose my letter of resignation.  I’m grateful that he didn’t take my first draft seriously.  I just wrote it to get out my feelings and used some very strong words.  He did laugh at some of what I said, in an almost incredulous way.  I needed that.  Therapy, and all.  My real letter is very short, to the point, and doesn’t give much in details.  

So, now, today, before I go and pick up Kirstin from preschool, I will deliver the letter to the council secretary to be brought to the trustees.  I don’t trust others well enough to deliver it to the church and have it get to the trustees, the way it’s supposed to.    The secretary is a good friend, and knows what’s going on. 

I fear what will come from this, to some extent.  I don’t know what kind of repercussions this may have.  I know I will have to have a conversation with Pastor, but I really don’t want to until I’m out of the situation for a while and have time to reflect back on it.  I will talk with the trustees, as they are officially my bosses, and the elders, for any spiritual matters.  That’s fine, and they’re all people I like and trust.  I just cannot speak with Pastor quite yet.  Hopefully after I have a bit of a “cooling down” period as it were I’ll have enough strength for that.

When this is all over, I’ll finally let myself have a good cry and be washed of it that way.  Until then, I just leak tears every now and then and move on to the next thing that needs doing.  Just sorta in survival mode.  The next couple of weeks will be rough on the anxiety levels.  Thank goodness for good people and lots of stuff to keep me busy.  I shut down over the weekend, and then realized I can’t do that again because it doesn’t do anything but make me feel worse.  When stuff doesn’t get done around the house I start getting overwhelmed and that doesn’t bode well.  Now I just channel the energy into those chores.  If I keep this up my house will be sparkling and all my little crafty projects will be done!  I guess there’s a silver lining.

And maybe this is a personal apocalypse.  I just needed to figure it out and get through it.  Now I can have positive changes in my life and go on and get better again.