Peace Be With You!

This Christmas season has been rough.  There’s no denying it.  And it seems as though everything came crashing down today.  So I decided to do something for myself.  I’m giving myself a Christmas gift. 

There are times when I wish that gift would be something chocolate, or some wine, and normally it would be.  I mean come on, why not unwind a little bit and relax?  But this year, I’m giving myself something different.  I’m giving myself peace. 

I can finally have peace of mind.  This comes after God has kicked me around a bit.  I’ve had my Job time this year.  And unfortunately, I haven’t come out of it with my faith as intact as Job’s, but I’m working on it.  Everyone goes through these times.  I’ve fought my depression as if it’s a huge war I’m waging.  Now I’m calling a truce, at the very least, and hopefully this will be a full all out stop to the war. 

What is happening is that I’ve finally realized, to the fullest extent, that my place is not working for the church.  See, here’s the deal.  A while back there was a job opening at the local elementary school for someone to teach reading and be a playground aide.  I considered, but then backed away from it through fear of the unknown.  However, after being kicked around a bit more, there are two more openings. One at the elementary again, and this is the kicker: there’s one at the high school!  The ages in which I am most adept at teaching!  It’s only for the second semester of the school year, and no promises after that (the local school didn’t meet Annual Yearly Progress, which means they have to do something about the test scores).  I really feel that I’m being led toward this.  I can’t explain why.  I just do.  So I’ll try for it.  If I get it, wonderful!  If I don’t…Well, we’ll work that out later.  I also know not to quit the job at the church quite yet.  I still need that income to help me out until I know for sure what will happen with this job. 

So, with a plan in place, I give myself peace.  Granted I may need some help from the friendly local pharmacist (Xanax is wonderful still!), but overall I will have peace.  I will let go of what I cannot control.  I will not worry about it.  I will be fine.  So peace be with you!  (If you’re Lutheran, I dare you to not answer, even in your mind: And also with you!)

Enjoying Kirstin

We had a wonderful weekend this past weekend.  We had to go visit Matt's folks because we were out of hamburger.  You never realize how much you need hamburger until you don't have any.  At least in this household.  So, we made the trip down to the Minnesota River Valley.

While we were there, I finally had a chance to have some time with Kirstin.  That doesn't happen nearly as often as it should right now.  Emily takes up a lot of my care and time and while I try to give Kirstin the attention she craves, it sometimes doesn't happen very well.  Especially with a teething baby that will cry if she's not in my arms.

But I was finally able to hand the fussy baby over to Grandma and take some time with Kirstin.  There were some kittens in the window well in our room in the basement.  It's a very deep window well, and there was no way the mother cat (who is tiny!) would be able to get them out of there on her own.  I felt sorry for the poor little things who were just huddled in a corner trying to keep warm.  Their eyes were open and they were moving around some, so they weren't just born, but still young enough that they needed a lot of attention from Mama Cat.  So, to spend some time with Kirstin, she and I made a kitty house.  Matt went down to the shop and got an old mineral bucket and cut a door in the side of it so we could put it upside down and the cats would have a warmer, more protected place to live.  Then Kirstin and I hopped on the gator and went to find a big rock and some straw.  I was going slower than I normally would because Kirstin was with me.  Finally, she looked at me and asked, "Mom, can't you make this thing GO?" 

I obliged.  She did fine.  I did ask Matt when we got done running our errands if he goes fast with her in the gator, and he fessed up.  He does.

Kirstin and I put the straw in the mineral bucket, upended it, patted down the straw a little bit, and then put the big rock on top of it to keep it from blowing away in the wind.  We had a perfect kitty house!  Kirstin ran around the yard and kept finding leaves to decorate it, and finally she pronounced it "beautiful!"

Matt helped us get the kittens by getting into the window well and handing them to me.  They're wild, so they did not like being taken up into human hands.  I got bit and scratched and hissed at (which by the way, a small kitten hissing is absolutely hilarious to me).  I put them in their new home and then we left them so Mama Cat could find them again. They did not stay in the house we made for them, but they did move to the bushes on the side of the house, so they have more cover there than they did in the window well.

After all that, Kirstin, Matt, and I went for another gator ride. Matt grabbed a plastic lawn chair from the deck and put it in the back of the machine and sat upon his throne like the royalty he is (royal pain?).  He had a lot of fun as we went up to see the old school bus.  We had to go through some old pasture land with many gopher hills.  Then we went to see the cows.  By this time Kirstin was nearly falling asleep in her seat, so we cut the ride short and headed up to the house again.  On the way back we stopped and grabbed some gourds to dry and paint from the trailer Grandma Millie put them on.  Kirstin had fun picking out some for herself and making the acquaintance of the barn cat, Swen.  He's a lovey cat, and jumped right up on the gator for some pets. 

Later on after supper, I got Emily squared away with Matt and a bottle, and Kirstin and I went to the hot tub.  It was chilly out, but that made it even more perfect to be in the hot tub.  We got to hear some geese, see the stars, and just play, laugh, and relax.  She started to do the Hokey Pokey in the hot tub, but I stopped her just as she slipped and swallowed some water.  We got out, and we raced back to the door to go in, and then to the bathroom so she could take a shower.  She did her rendition of the Hokey Pokey in the shower for me.  Then, after getting all cleaned up, she got wrapped in a towel again and gave Grandpa and Grandma a naked rendition of the Hokey Pokey.  We were all laughing so much. 

It was a very good day spent with Kirstin.  She's such a loving and caring little thing and it's amazing to me to see how much she knows and can do.  She changes so much every day.  I'm not going to let myself miss out on that.

Focused

Okay, so maybe not focused in the same way....

But I am focused.  On getting better, on beating this depression again, on getting my life back on track.  The first steps are done.  Emily is weaned (sniff, sniff) and I'm on my meds again.  It was a rocky first couple of weeks getting back on the meds.  Dizziness, anyone?  But now that I've been taking them for a few weeks that's abated and I can focus on getting life going. 

Right now I'm at the point of, "so what if my house is a mess?  So what if I'm not a super mom?"  Did you know that the sun is shining and it's a beautiful, cool, fall day?  Okay, so the messy house is bothering me a bit, but that will resolve itself over the weekend.  I'm having more fun with conversations and finding joy in them.  It's always a good time when a conversation about a flier a county commissioner candidate gives you goes something like this:
Matt: Hey, where did this Steve Storck thing come from?
Me: Steve Storck.
Matt: I know that, but where did it come from?
Me: No, seriously, Steve Storck came by and dropped it off.
Matt: Oh!  What'd that know you then?

Sometimes you may just need to know Matt and me to know how funny that would come off. 
I've also focused on other small things, like watching the neighbor's cat stalking a slimy, yucky salamander.  Orange tabby tail straight in the air, and Schwan pounces, only to run away very soon after licking like crazy.  Silly kitty!

One of the bigger things I've focused on is eating better and losing the baby fat.  I've lost the weight (actually, more than the weight), just not the shape.  I know round is a shape, but I miss seeing my hips when I lie down.  I'm not looking for my high school body or anything like that, but just something a little more toned. 

I got over the high school body thing this summer.  We were at Matt's folks' place and went swimming in the pit.  It was an incredibly hot day and a swim felt so good.  Soon the intimacy was jarred by a bunch of high school kids running down to the water.  All the girls were in little bikinis with their perfect, youthful bodies.  And I felt old, used up, and soft.  I left soon after with the excuse that Emily wasn't handling the heat well.  As I showered soon after going back up to the house, I had a quick cry, and then I pulled myself back up.  Their bodies hadn't done what mine had.  My body grew two babies and brought them into the world.  My body nursed and nurtured those babies.  My body chased after one of those babies so far, and will chase after the next one all too soon.  So yeah, I may be soft around the edges, but damn it! My body is beautiful because it has done beautiful things!  That and in ten years, those with the little bikinis may be feeling the same thing. 

That personal pep talk has gone a long way toward bolstering my self image.  Are there days I'd like to change things about me?  Yes, most every day.  Then I remember the talk I gave myself, and say, "I'm beautiful to those who matter, everyone else can go..."

So now that I've had my rant on something completely not on the topic, go focus on something worthy today.  Don't worry about your own looks, don't worry about the little stuff, but celebrate the good.

Crash and Burn

I know I've been very remiss about writing lately.  There's been so much going on this month, and here I've written about very little.  I do have one post that I've hand written.  I just have to type it up and post it.  This post won't be that one though. 

I've been having some rather large problems with my depression again.  If a day goes by without crying right now, I can mark it on the calendar and have a celebration.  And I truly thank the Lord for good friends.  Without them I'd be incredibly lost right now. 

I don't know what happened last weekend, but something must have.  On Monday, instead of following my usual routine for the morning, I just sat on the couch.  Then around 10:30 or so I realized I had some pretty high anxiety and I couldn't control it.  I couldn't control my breathing, I was crying, I was shaking. And because of that,I thought I was going to pass out.  What a joy that would be for Kirstin to find me on the floor or something.   After a lot of online messaging with Matt, I finally called Angie.  She came and helped me screw my head on straight and keep it there.  I was barely able to take care of my girls.  I had Kirstin give Emily a bottle after I put Emily in her high chair. Kirstin's lunch consisted of crackers, peanut butter, and beef jerky.  It was the best I could do.  I had planned on making eggs and toast, but I didn't feel I could handle even something as simple as that.

Once Angie got there, she didn't expect me to talk about what was going on, but just went with the flow of things.  She kept reminding me of what I was starting to do so that I could accomplish things.  She took care of my girls for a little bit until I felt competent again.  I got a shower, some laundry done, and got the bottles filled (I usually do that right away in the morning).  Once I felt able, I talked to Angie about it.  I told her I just didn't know what exactly happened.  Then to hear Kirstin say, "Mommy is crying a lot today."  It just about broke my heart.  We got things figured out, and my Matt brought her Matt out (they're the Matts of Computing Services on campus) and we had a nice supper and some time with friends.  I still don't know exactly what happened.  I'm pretty boggled about it all still.

I did have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday.  I described it to her, and she said it sounds like a real panic attack.  I walked out of there with a prescription for Xanax and Cymbalta.  The Xanax I'm supposed to take at night for help to sleep and to take during the day for anxiety as needed.  I start the Cymbalta tomorrow.  I can probably expect about two weeks of dizziness until my body gets used to the meds again.  That should really help me out.  I'm hoping the Cymbalta takes care of some of the anxiety as well.  It's still sky high, and I can't force myself to leave the house all the time.  My mental cheerleader has just thrown down her pom poms and left for a little bit.  I'm making my way back though. 

So, where to from here?  I figure I can only go up.  I had everything together as well as I possibly could for so long.  I guess it was only a matter of time before something happened.  I think I slipped back about halfway again.  So, up we go, and the climbing continues!

Just a Day

We've been having interesting times around here lately.  Not that anything huge has happened, but just that everything seems huge as it approaches.  I've been having a tough time of just going about daily business lately.  That really makes me scared.  I know I probably should go on the pills again, but I'm trying to fight my way through instead.  I have to force myself to leave the house and be among people again.  That's never good.  That was one of the main signs of depression for me earlier on.  And now that Vacation Bible School is going on, I have no choice but to leave my little "queendom" and go.  Unfortunately, Xanax and nursing don't go together very well, or else I'd have something to take the edge off the anxiety.  Instead, I have to curb the nausea, force myself to eat something, and just make myself go and do what I need to do.  And this is to go out among friends at the church. I do have the office to retreat to there, so I can hide a little bit.  Not that hiding helps anything, but I do get a little refuge to pull myself together. There is one night this week that I'm not going in, and the neighbor will pick up Kirstin and bring her there for me. I plan on doing some mental health exercises whilst she's gone and Matt has Emily.  Hopefully I can get myself back together for a while.

It's something else entirely when I have to face being among strangers.  Heck, just going to the grocery store is becoming a huge mental chore.  I have to cheer myself on just to get through it.  Then I wonder why I'm getting knots in my back again.  Ugh.  But I look at the girls' smiles and I know I have to just keep going.  I can't seclude myself.  I WON'T be one of those people.  But yeah, I may wind up on the pills again.  But first, I have to wean Emily, and I'm just not willing to do that quite yet.  In the meantime, I'm rereading a book, "Get it Done When You're Depressed" by Julie A Fast and John D. Preston and trying to do what it says.  I have to, so I can be a better mom to my girls.  I'm the female role model around here, and I sure don't want Matt teaching them some of the things about being a girl.  That's just a scary thought in general.  I wonder how he would react to Kirstin asking about bras like she did the other day...

But on a positive note, I've been a breast milk queen.  I pump once a day and freeze it special bags.  I have almost 4 gallons frozen now.  I just took a tally the other day.  I was amazed.  I've been pumping once a day from the very beginning.  I wasn't going to start pumping till Emily was about a month old, but then she wound up in the NICU.  This is one of those positive things to come from that.  That and the fact that we had to apply for Medical Assistance to cover part of the bill (insurance has since covered it) and that put us on WIC again.  Free food is always good.  And now we get fresh fruits and veggies, brown rice, bread or tortillas and the like too.  We never got that kind of stuff when I was on it with Kirstin.  It's a wonderful program and I recommend it to anyone who may be able to be on it. 

Another positive thing that's been happening is getting a schedule going for the girls again.  It took a while, but now we've got a routine down, and it's absolutely wonderful.  The money I spent on that blanket for Emily was very well spent.  She has yet to break out of it, even when she travels the crib during the night.  She sleeps later in the morning, so that means I can sleep too.  So now she eats at 7:00 a.m., 11:00 a.m., 1:00 p.m., 5:00 p.m., 7:00 p.m., and 9:00 p.m.  She sleeps in the morning from about 9:00 a.m. to 11:00 a.m. and then sleeps again from about 1:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m., and then goes to bed at 9:00 p.m.  Very rarely does she vary from this when we're home.  So that helps me plan for more activities with Kirstin.  I can sit down with her and just read a book again, and be able to cuddle her more as I do it.  And I know all this will get easier as time goes on.  Kirstin is learning to read a little bit now too, so we have fun picking out words that she knows in her books. 

So there is a lot going on right now, but none of it big.  I just have to remember that.

Survival of the fittest?

Survival of the fittest or just plain stupidity?  I'm opting for the latter.  In the past week I've come across two "news" stories of people being stupid when it comes to wild animals.  The first one is this:

Baby skunk with rabies

Okay, so some people think skunks are cute, and they wanted to help out.  I get that.  But, this is not a tame animal! Skunks are known carriers of rabies!  At what point in time does someone NOT think, "Oh, maybe I should just leave it alone and let animal control take over?"  Seriously.  Now because of those actions, many people have to go through what I've heard is a very painful process of injections so they don't have to suffer the effects of rabies. 
Honestly.  No one even thought of a quarantine period for said skunk?  Nope, let's just invite all our friends and family to come meet the animal. Isn't it a cute little thing?  Look at it, stomping toward us.  Oh, hey, it's sick.  Maybe we should go to the vet.  What? Rabies?   Hope it's a fun reunion at the doc's office while you're getting the injections.

The second story is this one (video):

Bison Attack

What were these people thinking?  "Oh, they're like cows grazing in a field- how pastoral!"  Umm, no.  First of all, cows can be dangerous too.  You have a large creature get in a mood to run you down, and see how you do.  Yeah. Not fun.  Been there, done that.  I watched Matt get run over by a calf (and worried about our chances of having children afterward, but luckily the calf stepped on his thigh instead). There's a reason farm stores sell cattle prods. It's not a fun thing. Yeah, for the most part cows just go on chewing their cud when you're in the pasture, because they have been tamed. But there are times...

However, bison are wild.  If you piss one off your chances of getting away are slim.   Why were these people out of their vehicle?  They would have had a better chance to get away then.  Just roll down the window and take the footage.  The zoom function on cameras work wonders when you want a closer shot.  I just plainly don't understand.

Then I think about it more.  Are we as a nation so insulated from the "wild" that when we see it we have no idea what's safe?  I realize I'm lucky, as are my kids.  We live in the country.  We have access to animals.  We have a wildlife area right across the road.  We get any number of birds, mammals, etc. coming through our yard.  And as a child, I was taught to respect nature.  I was taught what God gave the animals for their protection and to respect it.  I was taught to be wise and weary.  Because of that, I will never be the one running for my life from a bison, or the one to take a skunk into my home. 

My girls too, are going to learn the same.  For us, it's part of being a parent.  But then there are the kids-and adults- who never see anything other than the occasional robin in their yards.  I believe that's sad.  And it's these people who will believe taking a wild animal into their homes is fine.  It's these people who won't use common sense. 

Now, I'm not too pleased by my tame animals right now either.  Our cats were out of food.  Therefore they tried to eat the plants.  The result is less than pleasing, and takes some carpet cleaner to fix.  Ugh.  So, I'm going to sit back, relax (now that I cleaned up the cat puke), watch the animals come in from across the road, and tell Kirstin and Emily all about them. 

Why? Why? Why?

"Tell me why the stars do shine

Tell me why the ivy twines

Tell me why the sky is blue

And I'll tell you just why I love you."

"Why?" has become the word used most often by Kirstin as of late.  And to tell the truth; she's driving me insane. "Why do we have hands and arms?"

"Why do we have stairs?"

"Why do we need electricity?"

"Why?"  

"Why?"

"Why?"

It's enough to drive anyone crazy!  And the general answers aren't enough for her either.  

"Why do we have hands and arms?"

"Because God made us that way honey."
"But WHY?"

"Because that's what he wanted to do."

"WHY?" This said with a little more insistence. She gets a look from me as I'm trying to finish changing a diaper, get supper started, or just take a breather.

"Go ask your father."

Yes, sometimes I pass it off onto other people.  Sometimes she's just too smart for some of the answers I give.  

"Why do we have stairs?"
"How else would we get upstairs?"

A roll of the eyes, a hand on the hip as she sticks it out and a very sarcastic response: "Well, there ARE elevators, you know."  

Silly me, I didn't think of that. Other times I just give her something to really think about when she asks "why" too many times. 

"Why do we need electricity?" asked as we were in the car on the way to Alexandria.  We passed some wind turbines. She knows that they give us electricity and that electricity runs pretty much everything in our house.  This is a question I've answered many times before.  Hence my long winded reply.

"Well, Kirstin, it's called the progress of man.  Man is always looking for new and/or safer ways of doing work.  Before man harnessed electricity and made it do the work for us, everything was much more difficult and took much more time for us to accomplish our tasks.  Electricity helps with many of the tasks we do in our daily lives."

"Oh."

Meanwhile, Matt is driving and snickering at my response.  I gave him a look, and asked the reason for his laughter.  His response: "You just answered in a way that I would have answered."

See, the difference is that he isn't home with her 24/7 and I am.  I take the brunt of the questions.  After a while I have to insert a snarky long winded reply just so I don't have to constantly hear Kirstin's voice during the day.  

There are times when I think I just can't take all the questions anymore.  Every time I even take two second to run to the bathroom, I get asked, "Why do you have to go to the bathroom, mom?" And to think I have another child that will go through all this in a few years.  Yikes!  I guess I can just take it day to day and try not to get too frustrated at having my every move analyzed by a three year old asking "Why?" 

And tomorrow I'm sure I will have to answer many new questions beginning with "why."