Crash and Burn

on Saturday, August 28, 2010
I know I've been very remiss about writing lately.  There's been so much going on this month, and here I've written about very little.  I do have one post that I've hand written.  I just have to type it up and post it.  This post won't be that one though. 

I've been having some rather large problems with my depression again.  If a day goes by without crying right now, I can mark it on the calendar and have a celebration.  And I truly thank the Lord for good friends.  Without them I'd be incredibly lost right now. 

I don't know what happened last weekend, but something must have.  On Monday, instead of following my usual routine for the morning, I just sat on the couch.  Then around 10:30 or so I realized I had some pretty high anxiety and I couldn't control it.  I couldn't control my breathing, I was crying, I was shaking. And because of that,I thought I was going to pass out.  What a joy that would be for Kirstin to find me on the floor or something.   After a lot of online messaging with Matt, I finally called Angie.  She came and helped me screw my head on straight and keep it there.  I was barely able to take care of my girls.  I had Kirstin give Emily a bottle after I put Emily in her high chair. Kirstin's lunch consisted of crackers, peanut butter, and beef jerky.  It was the best I could do.  I had planned on making eggs and toast, but I didn't feel I could handle even something as simple as that.

Once Angie got there, she didn't expect me to talk about what was going on, but just went with the flow of things.  She kept reminding me of what I was starting to do so that I could accomplish things.  She took care of my girls for a little bit until I felt competent again.  I got a shower, some laundry done, and got the bottles filled (I usually do that right away in the morning).  Once I felt able, I talked to Angie about it.  I told her I just didn't know what exactly happened.  Then to hear Kirstin say, "Mommy is crying a lot today."  It just about broke my heart.  We got things figured out, and my Matt brought her Matt out (they're the Matts of Computing Services on campus) and we had a nice supper and some time with friends.  I still don't know exactly what happened.  I'm pretty boggled about it all still.

I did have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday.  I described it to her, and she said it sounds like a real panic attack.  I walked out of there with a prescription for Xanax and Cymbalta.  The Xanax I'm supposed to take at night for help to sleep and to take during the day for anxiety as needed.  I start the Cymbalta tomorrow.  I can probably expect about two weeks of dizziness until my body gets used to the meds again.  That should really help me out.  I'm hoping the Cymbalta takes care of some of the anxiety as well.  It's still sky high, and I can't force myself to leave the house all the time.  My mental cheerleader has just thrown down her pom poms and left for a little bit.  I'm making my way back though. 

So, where to from here?  I figure I can only go up.  I had everything together as well as I possibly could for so long.  I guess it was only a matter of time before something happened.  I think I slipped back about halfway again.  So, up we go, and the climbing continues!