Reprieve

I finally got a little reprieve on my worries that the depression may come back. I had a very good visit with my psychiatrist this week.  The depression may still come back, but life is so different after Emily arrived as compared to when Kirstin first arrived.  First of all, I didn’t take a teaching position when I was eight months pregnant with Emily like I did when I was pregnant with Kirstin.  I think that has a lot to do with how I’m feeling this time.  I don’t have to correct papers, plan the curriculum, meet with my long-term sub, and worry about getting grades done all within two days after giving birth.  That does wonders for one’s mind frame.  This time I just have to get back into the work life at church, and that’s all done at my own pace.  I can still say, “I don’t think I can handle this right now.”  I haven’t had to step back like that so far, but just the knowledge that I can makes life much easier for me. 

Also, another large difference is that physically I’m doing much better this time.  Maybe it was that I was forced to get up and walk so much whilst Emily was at Children’s or maybe it’s just that I was in better shape all around this time, but I feel great compared to what I felt like after having Kirstin. (Oddly enough, I was more miserable DURING the pregnancy this time though). 

I’m also not so afraid to ask for help this time around.  That keeps me from feeling so overwhelmed.  Caring for a newborn is tough.  The all-hours neediness can really get to a person if they don’t have a good support system.  Then there’s the days when Emily wants nothing more than to be constantly held and even then she sometimes doesn’t stop fussing.  It helps to know that I can hand her over to her dad for a little bit and get a bit of a break.  Yesterday, I went outside for a few minutes and just looked at the plants coming up in the garden (looking good!), see what flowers are blooming, and take a look at the upcoming apple crop (huge this year!). 

I’ve also found that being completely open about my depression is cathartic.  It not only helps me, but will hopefully help others.  So I go to see a psychiatrist every few months for a check in to see how I’m doing, so what?  Depression has a stigma, and I’m hoping to change that, at least in a few people’s lives.  Just because I had to take some pills so I could manage to get out of the house doesn’t make me less of a person.  In fact, recognizing that I needed help and finally getting to the point to ask for it was a huge step in becoming who I am today.  I’m a better mom, wife, employee, just all around better in every aspect of my life for that honesty. 

Not that having come through the depression doesn’t have its drawbacks.  Now there’s a constant worry about my emotions.  If I feel sad for a while during the day, always in the back of my mind is the question: Is this the depression coming back?  Or if I’m overwhelmed or angry or snappish, I have the same question in the back of my mind.  Also, because I have been so open about the depression, I wonder if people are silently judging me and my actions just because of taking a few pills.  I’m still learning to live with this part of being a “marked” person.  But I have learned there are certain instances which will always make me feel frustrated more easily.  I must be well fed and not hungry.  When I’m hungry I’m grouchy.  Also, I must get at least 4 hours of sleep at night, or once again, I’m grouchy and more apt to feel overwhelmed.  It’s all part of recognizing your own triggers.