Just a Day

We've been having interesting times around here lately.  Not that anything huge has happened, but just that everything seems huge as it approaches.  I've been having a tough time of just going about daily business lately.  That really makes me scared.  I know I probably should go on the pills again, but I'm trying to fight my way through instead.  I have to force myself to leave the house and be among people again.  That's never good.  That was one of the main signs of depression for me earlier on.  And now that Vacation Bible School is going on, I have no choice but to leave my little "queendom" and go.  Unfortunately, Xanax and nursing don't go together very well, or else I'd have something to take the edge off the anxiety.  Instead, I have to curb the nausea, force myself to eat something, and just make myself go and do what I need to do.  And this is to go out among friends at the church. I do have the office to retreat to there, so I can hide a little bit.  Not that hiding helps anything, but I do get a little refuge to pull myself together. There is one night this week that I'm not going in, and the neighbor will pick up Kirstin and bring her there for me. I plan on doing some mental health exercises whilst she's gone and Matt has Emily.  Hopefully I can get myself back together for a while.

It's something else entirely when I have to face being among strangers.  Heck, just going to the grocery store is becoming a huge mental chore.  I have to cheer myself on just to get through it.  Then I wonder why I'm getting knots in my back again.  Ugh.  But I look at the girls' smiles and I know I have to just keep going.  I can't seclude myself.  I WON'T be one of those people.  But yeah, I may wind up on the pills again.  But first, I have to wean Emily, and I'm just not willing to do that quite yet.  In the meantime, I'm rereading a book, "Get it Done When You're Depressed" by Julie A Fast and John D. Preston and trying to do what it says.  I have to, so I can be a better mom to my girls.  I'm the female role model around here, and I sure don't want Matt teaching them some of the things about being a girl.  That's just a scary thought in general.  I wonder how he would react to Kirstin asking about bras like she did the other day...

But on a positive note, I've been a breast milk queen.  I pump once a day and freeze it special bags.  I have almost 4 gallons frozen now.  I just took a tally the other day.  I was amazed.  I've been pumping once a day from the very beginning.  I wasn't going to start pumping till Emily was about a month old, but then she wound up in the NICU.  This is one of those positive things to come from that.  That and the fact that we had to apply for Medical Assistance to cover part of the bill (insurance has since covered it) and that put us on WIC again.  Free food is always good.  And now we get fresh fruits and veggies, brown rice, bread or tortillas and the like too.  We never got that kind of stuff when I was on it with Kirstin.  It's a wonderful program and I recommend it to anyone who may be able to be on it. 

Another positive thing that's been happening is getting a schedule going for the girls again.  It took a while, but now we've got a routine down, and it's absolutely wonderful.  The money I spent on that blanket for Emily was very well spent.  She has yet to break out of it, even when she travels the crib during the night.  She sleeps later in the morning, so that means I can sleep too.  So now she eats at 7:00 a.m., 11:00 a.m., 1:00 p.m., 5:00 p.m., 7:00 p.m., and 9:00 p.m.  She sleeps in the morning from about 9:00 a.m. to 11:00 a.m. and then sleeps again from about 1:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m., and then goes to bed at 9:00 p.m.  Very rarely does she vary from this when we're home.  So that helps me plan for more activities with Kirstin.  I can sit down with her and just read a book again, and be able to cuddle her more as I do it.  And I know all this will get easier as time goes on.  Kirstin is learning to read a little bit now too, so we have fun picking out words that she knows in her books. 

So there is a lot going on right now, but none of it big.  I just have to remember that.