Reprieve

I finally got a little reprieve on my worries that the depression may come back. I had a very good visit with my psychiatrist this week.  The depression may still come back, but life is so different after Emily arrived as compared to when Kirstin first arrived.  First of all, I didn’t take a teaching position when I was eight months pregnant with Emily like I did when I was pregnant with Kirstin.  I think that has a lot to do with how I’m feeling this time.  I don’t have to correct papers, plan the curriculum, meet with my long-term sub, and worry about getting grades done all within two days after giving birth.  That does wonders for one’s mind frame.  This time I just have to get back into the work life at church, and that’s all done at my own pace.  I can still say, “I don’t think I can handle this right now.”  I haven’t had to step back like that so far, but just the knowledge that I can makes life much easier for me. 

Also, another large difference is that physically I’m doing much better this time.  Maybe it was that I was forced to get up and walk so much whilst Emily was at Children’s or maybe it’s just that I was in better shape all around this time, but I feel great compared to what I felt like after having Kirstin. (Oddly enough, I was more miserable DURING the pregnancy this time though). 

I’m also not so afraid to ask for help this time around.  That keeps me from feeling so overwhelmed.  Caring for a newborn is tough.  The all-hours neediness can really get to a person if they don’t have a good support system.  Then there’s the days when Emily wants nothing more than to be constantly held and even then she sometimes doesn’t stop fussing.  It helps to know that I can hand her over to her dad for a little bit and get a bit of a break.  Yesterday, I went outside for a few minutes and just looked at the plants coming up in the garden (looking good!), see what flowers are blooming, and take a look at the upcoming apple crop (huge this year!). 

I’ve also found that being completely open about my depression is cathartic.  It not only helps me, but will hopefully help others.  So I go to see a psychiatrist every few months for a check in to see how I’m doing, so what?  Depression has a stigma, and I’m hoping to change that, at least in a few people’s lives.  Just because I had to take some pills so I could manage to get out of the house doesn’t make me less of a person.  In fact, recognizing that I needed help and finally getting to the point to ask for it was a huge step in becoming who I am today.  I’m a better mom, wife, employee, just all around better in every aspect of my life for that honesty. 

Not that having come through the depression doesn’t have its drawbacks.  Now there’s a constant worry about my emotions.  If I feel sad for a while during the day, always in the back of my mind is the question: Is this the depression coming back?  Or if I’m overwhelmed or angry or snappish, I have the same question in the back of my mind.  Also, because I have been so open about the depression, I wonder if people are silently judging me and my actions just because of taking a few pills.  I’m still learning to live with this part of being a “marked” person.  But I have learned there are certain instances which will always make me feel frustrated more easily.  I must be well fed and not hungry.  When I’m hungry I’m grouchy.  Also, I must get at least 4 hours of sleep at night, or once again, I’m grouchy and more apt to feel overwhelmed.  It’s all part of recognizing your own triggers.

Et Voila!

So my house is a huge mess, I'm tired beyond belief today, and I had a few minutes of time to myself.  So what did I do?  Did I pick up the house, do laundry, or even sleep?  Nope. I worked on my blog.  I found a template that I really liked and implemented it and also came up with a name.  I'm still working on some of the peripherals, but I think I like the way it's shaping up. 

The name of my blog is now "Taking Stock."  It comes from two sources. One is an old joke in Matt's family, originally from his Uncle Dave, I believe.  Uncle Dave has three girls.  When asked what he was going to do with so many women around the house, he quipped, "Well, I think I'm going to take stock in Tampax!" 

Now Matt has two of his own girls, and he's used the same phrase.  As part of this blog will be about the girls, the name is appropriate.  But not only that, this blog is also going to be about where life is at right now, and where I may go/what I may do in the future.  Much like a store owner taking stock of items to know what to order.  You have to know what you have so you can keep going, plan, etc.

I love to tell the story...

Yesterday was Sunday School closing.  The kids got up and sang "I Love to Tell the Story."  They walked in while the congregation sang the first verse, and then they sang the refrain, and the congregation sang the second verse and the kids sang the refrain again.  It was so nice to have them up there singing.  We have very few in our Sunday School, so sometimes it takes extra planning to pull off something as simple as having the kids sing in church.  We've had to cancel before due to lack of children on the day they were supposed to sing. 

 This picture is from the 2009 VBS at our church.  It was called "Gone Fishing."

And yes, the children do love to tell the story.  Teach a Sunday School class or a Vacation Bible School class, and you'll learn this.  They get all excited (well, the lower grades) and want to tell you all about what they just learned.  Unfortunately, adults love to tell stories too. 

Gossip has been getting on my nerves lately.  Most of it is petty stuff, and it really doesn't matter in the long run.  Why do people feel the need to talk about other people in negative ways?  I mention something like, "Oh well, I just talked to so and so,  and he's doing really well!"  Nine times out of ten I get a response like, "Well, you know he did x, y and z, and if you throw in w too, you know he's just heading for another downfall." 

Thank you for telling me that you little bluebird of happiness...Here is my shingle, you know what to do. 

My object in realizing this is to distance myself from the gossip and negativity.  If so and so is really trying to make a difference, shouldn't people realize that too?  It's just something to ponder about. 

Well, it sounds like my time is up.  I have Emily starting to fuss as she wakes up from her nap, and I expect Kirstin to be up soon too.  In the mean time, keep on!

And We're Back in the Game?

Through the inspiration and coaching of a friend (Mary Aalgaard) and just the general overwhelming need to write to put my mind in order, I’ve decided to start using this blog again. May it last longer than the last time!

So much has been going on that I can’t keep it all straight, it seems. I used to be the schedule keeper, never needing a calendar, keeping it all in my mind, etc. Now? I’m lucky if I can remember what day of the week it is. Everything is starting to blur together. I guess life with a newborn does that. Mix in an active three year old, and life gets really interesting. Sleep deprivation is great, isn’t it?

Many parents before me have managed to do the multiple child rearing. Heck, many parents before me even had/have the lovely benefit of having twins. I think that would be much more difficult than what I’m facing right now. However, I’m new to this. Emily is still less than a month old. We’re still working out schedules and streamlining our day a little better. For example: bath time. The girls are on a bed time bath schedule. For Kirstin it’s just because I can’t stomach the idea of sending her to bed a dirty little urchin and for Emily it’s to introduce her to a bed time routine from the start. On the nights when both girls need baths we’ve discovered it’s easier to get Kirstin into the tub first. Who knew? I figured being she’s the older of the two, she can have her bath later. It just doesn’t work right now. Maybe once Emily is a bit older it will, but right now Emily is in the bath-food-sleep stage of bedtime routine. Kirstin’s routine is a bit more lax and so she can play while we’re getting Emily ready for bed and the like. It works out much better.

Even with the learning curve, I’m still able to recall many things I’ve forgotten about having a small baby in the house.

1) The middle of the night wake up calls: I’m starting to see less of the hours between 10:00 p.m. and 6:00 a.m, but it’s still tough to get up every night. I feel lucky when I get a full four hours between feeding and changing. I know that will change, and is in the process right now.

2) The diapers: Seriously, do we have to go through three diapers per change? I know I’ve lost my speed a little over the very few years I’ve not been changing tiny diapers, but three is a bit much. If I wait until I’m relatively sure you’re all done with your little bodily functions, you’ll still find just a little bit more to help me in changing your diaper, your clothes, the changing pad, and quite possibly my own clothes. Poop should not be a projectile!

3) The feedings: I really enjoy feeding Emily, just as I really enjoyed feeding Kirstin. The intimacy with my child and the knowledge that I’m doing something with her that only I can do are really wonderful. There are times though, when she really has to quit playing with her food, so milk doesn’t go all over the place. And of course, feeding leads straight to

4) The burping: I’m not sure that I really forgot this part or just didn’t have a good lesson from Kirstin. Emily spits up. A lot. The gas drops have actually helped this a bit, but I really don’t need Emily to remind me how many shirts I have in my wardrobe. The best one was at the doctor’s office. She had good aim. Straight down the shirt to have a gooey, icky, warmness nestled in my bra. She got none on her or anywhere else on me. I did manage to wait until the doctor left the room to semi-disrobe and clean up some, but it was tough. Yuck!

5) All the good stuff that comes with having a baby. The cuddles, the coos, the smiles, the tiny baby hands and feet, the smells, watching her sleep, watching her stare in wonder, watching her cross her eyes when she’s looking at something. And all that cancels out the first four items in this list. Even they become enjoyable when balanced with the good things.

And so it goes. After viewing my blog for the first time in I don't know how long...I've decided I really need to change the look, come up with a name for it, etc. So there will most likely be changes to the appearance coming up sometime when I get a chance to sit and fiddle with it a bit. In the meantime, so long, and may your days be interesting!