Baby Steps

Baby steps.  That’s what it takes.

I feel like I’m living the advice from “What About Bob.”

So, I’m trawling the depths again, fishing for whatever it is that will bring me up again. 

 

Yup, crashed.  Again.

I was sliding down slowly, with a few holds on a couple trees and roots and the like here and there.  I knew I was sliding, and was working toward at least leveling out.  And I was on a nice plateau for a bit.  I guess I was closer to that edge than I thought, though.  One email and I jumped and plunged downward to an almost non-functional depression.  

That was on Saturday.  And yes, it’s more crud from the Pastor.  

I thank the dear Lord for wonderful neighbors and friends.  I still had the hymn PowerPoint to do and was planning on bringing it with me to church on Sunday.  Well, got the horrid email on Saturday afternoon, and then called the neighbor, crying.  

“Hey, it’s me.  You planning on going to church tomorrow?”

“Yeah, we were planning on it.”

“Could you bring the hymns in for me?  I’m too pissed off to go to church.”

“Yup, no problem, just drop them by.”

And that’s exactly what I did.  It’s pretty good when you have to take a mental break from church.  Well, let me clarify:  It wasn’t church that required the break, it was my Pastor. 

Neighbor answered the door, just asked, “What’s up?”

She didn’t even flinch as I swore and called Pastor some names that I normally wouldn’t even THINK of calling ANYONE.  Then she told me I have to get out of there as soon as possible.  I knew this, of course.  I’ve known this for nine months, but just haven’t been able to figure out how, or how to really truly break myself from that job.  The job itself I love.  It’s fun, it’s just challenging enough to keep me going, and I feel useful doing it.  Working with the Pastor, not so much.  That man has the ability to suck all the fun out of it and make me feel completely belittled and worthless.  And now let me say, “I’M NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE!!!”  That’s his problem, not mine, and I refuse to be defined in that way by anyone, anymore.  (While I’m at it, should I burn a bra?)

So, with that I spent Sunday doing pretty well nothing, crying off and on and just trying to figure out how in the hell to get myself out of the pit I fell in.  Monday was more of the same, though I accomplished a tiny bit: I vacuumed the dining room.  So I knew I wasn’t COMPLETELY worthless.  I could vacuum.  Any conversation I had was at a minimum.  Just didn’t feel like dealing with any people at all.  Couldn’t concentrate on anything.  Had a rough time eating and sleeping.  Yup, this is a depression episode again. 

Shit.

 

Today, I did dishes and got the living room picked up and vacuumed.  Then I went and picked up Kirstin from pre-school.  I was feeling pretty good when I got back.  Not all the way up to where I should be, yet, but working on my way up.  Still didn’t know what I was going to do about the situation at church.  Feeling rather lost about that.  I know I have to get out.  My mental health cannot take any more of these random attacks. 

Then, at supper, Matt and I were talking it over.  What the heck can I do?  I still want to be able to have my evenings and weekends.   And I can’t quit at the church till I have another job.  Matt mentioned getting a license for subbing that will last for five years.  My teaching license is gone, it’s lapsed.  So now, if I can get a sub license, that’s what I’m going to do.  I need to research it, find out what I have to do to get it.  Then the same month that I get into subbing again, the church job is gone.  I have a few ideas as to how to word my resignation letter.  I would love to come back to the position after this Pastor leaves.  Like I said, I enjoy the job, just not working with Pastor.  

And now with some plan in mind, some of the gloom is gone.  There’s light again.  I’m becoming me again.  It’s good.  I can do this.  Baby steps to wellness….Baby steps to a new job…Baby steps to a clearer mind.